So what I would like to do tonight is actually not present a verbal/text based blog at all, but instead create a mood or a gesture, some whimsical brief thing that enchants and delights but causes no burden of nostalgia or regret. That’s because I’m tired and out of ideas and so words are hard.
But it’s a blog. Words, see? (poke poke) That’s the point of a blog.
So instead I will ask you to imagine the most perfect apple crumble dessert ever, currently sitting in your oven. Imagine it as the paradigm of desserts. No dessert has ever come close to this, in its pastry, its sweet fruit, its sugared topping. It’s no more than five minutes away from being out of the oven, and it will be put down on a table with all the cream and custard and ice cream you’ll want, and you’ll eat it with those people who you really want to eat it with, whether that is even possible or not.
But for now, it’s still in the oven, and you are standing in the kitchen, where there’s just you and the heat of the oven, and the smell, and the anticipation of the innocent, but real, joy to come. And that is the moment I give you tonight, and with which I bid you adieu.
See, it’s not just the first day that’s the killer, it’s the tenth day, or the seventy-four day, or the eighty-ninth day. And now we head into the heady heights of the first day of the first semester, ooh, I’m just all alive with excitement.
It’s hard to keep the plotting going, really what I need to do is to come up with ten really good scenes, and just continue on from there. Mostly what I really want to do is to eat cake and sleep, neither of which I will allow myself right now.
Right, good night all.
So I make peanut butter cookies to ‘enjoy’.
The enjoyment element is pretty much non-corporal, in that I have to imagine enjoying them. They’re dry and crumbly and …. yeah. Anyway, I have a little square of baking paper underneath, and I think I should put a positive message on each one as we go through the week. Here’s what I have so far.
“Yup, it’s a cookie.”
“Rush of blood to the head? Not because of these bad boys.”
“You alive with pleasure now? …How about now?”
“I’m as surprised as you are we got to this point.”
“The plastic would have tasted better.”
“Nothing skinny looks as bad as this tastes.”
I can do this. I can DO this. Keep on keeping on.
So the interesting point to note is that any day with real action required sees me completely drained by 6pm. I had two long meetings today, and I was honesty falling asleep when I was playing with Big guy when I got home.
I also discovered that I will go ahead and make bad food choices when I’m that tired. Chinese again tonight, so I have to get back on the wagon tomorrow and make amends for it. I simply don’t have anything left to give when I get that tired. The better option is to just ensure I don’t get that tired, or that hungry. Of course, if I knew that was the case, I’d be able to avoid it…
I’m over tired and I have to do it all over again tomorrow. One thing I did manage to do this morning was to start plotting out the sequel, so I can be glad that happened.
Right, back to the grindstone. Good night sisters.
Another day done. I unexpectedly was at home today, and me and big guy had a fantastic time. We made playdough Titantics, and painted seas underneath them of warm blue. We went shopping for books, and ate in bakeries. Then we bought birthday cards, and congratulation cards, and farewell cards; there’s a lot going on right now.
And I hope he remembers these days, these warm, hug filled, event-filled days, where I try to make sure the day is fun and the season is always Summer, with milk-flow joy and satin-silk smiles, I hope that he sees the best of me in all of this, not just the tired me or the ugly me, or the empty-tank me.
Dinner was laughing over cartoons, then a bath, then bed, with no scary stories to be told. Only kisses, and cuddles, and teddy bears in their pjs, and lights out, now.
And this morning at dawn, I got a phone call that my wonderful niece is coming to college. In another house, another loved one is going to sleep, with a new world starting up for her too….
Night night to you.
Day Eleven done.
I’ve gotten to that happy stage where all/nearly all the jobs are done and I can go to bed. I woke up tired, I got through the day tired, and I’m tired now. And you know how I know I’m tired? My other half is laughing at the computer and he is too BLOODY LOUD!
My lack of love of humanity is growing. I always wanted to find myself on a desert island with the absolute assurance of never meeting anyone.
Right now he is laughing, and coughing, because he had a cough, and I am going to kill him.
THIS REFERENCE IS 26 YEARS OLD
I did manage to exercise, and to stick to my diet. I’ve found some earnest thing on youtube who insists on maxing the envelope, and so forth. My cup runneth over.
Right. The daily endurance that is my life is over for another day. Good night to you all.
Repartee. Repartae? Tae? Cup of tae? Is there any? No? Not to worry, all good then.
I am very tired. I had a busy, and stressful, day, and it has left me almost disassociating I’m so tired. I can’t even get the caption thing to work on this blog and I’ve no energy to get it right.
I’m just done, all. Everything is loud and noisy and I’m listening to old time jazz tunes so that it doesn’t clash. As far as I know I didn’t go over the diet, but wow at what a cost. I use food to make me happy, and I am not happy right now. I’m going to drink this coffee, and go to bed, in hopes it will keep me upright for the next half an hour. Night night.
Oh, p.s. I would like to thank my computer for spending 40 minutes upgrading this morning, thereby making my 5 am wake up utterly unnecessary. Nicely done.
The Katering Show. I very much recommend.
So yesterday I returned to work for the first time in two weeks. The prospect of missing Big Guy all over again was not one I was looking forward to; the next time we’ll have an uninterrupted week together is Christmas. And as I drove into work, there was no other way to describe my feeling as ‘absence’ – the absence of his voice, his face, his hugs. I really do need to win the lotto, dear reader, so as to be at home for him more. Any spare change? *Rattles can*
I managed, in the middle of my middle-class mum angst, to still stick to the diet. I had a lot to do, and it was clear by about 12 noon that I was only going to get so much done that day. But I broke the back of it and kept on moving. Big guy was shattered by the time I picked him up, and he’s fighting off a cold, so the rest of the evening was spent tending to him and getting him to rest.
Today, Tuesday, I got to do it all again. My mood is getting lower, meaning that the sugar is leaving my system.
Tomorrow features a day of important meetings, and after that I’m determined to do some exercise. It depends on what time we get home, and what we have to do when we get there. Wish me luck.
Day Five done.
One of the most difficult aspects of life is the conflict between reality and expectations.
Speaking as someone who tries to avoid reality, who is surprised by it and who has no business in it, I remind myself that just because I expect things to go one way, does not necessitate that it actually will.
Meaning; I can plan this, but the actual experience is less than I expected.
I eat to reward, to placate and to provide succour, and the anticipation of that comfort will get me through the day. How else to keep the demons at bay and my rage on hold?
In brief; I kept to the near zero carb count, and am feeling less and less joyous about life, a sure sign that I’m on a diet. I carried out a thirty minute workout, and have a pleasant muscular ache on foot of it. The near constant rain today made everyone soporific, and the lack of high or low meant it appeared to be a Wes Anderson film.
Tomorrow I am back to work, with three separate and very competing agendas re-entering my life. Wish me luck.
This is the beginning. As best as I can figure it will take me over one hundred days to lose this damn weight. One hundred and forty-four to be exact, and that’s just an optimistic hope on my part.
But today? Today is day one.
So breakfast was an omelette. Lunch was scrambled eggs. Afterwards was a different type of treat, where I had a coffee with a friend I haven’t seen since Christmas. There, I had a salad that tasted a lot better than it should: greens, walnuts, feta cheese and figs. We had a fantastic chat, and we made it even better by going to the bookshop afterwards. I had a great time.
Does the fact that I read so much make me a better person than you?
Yes, yes it does.
Anyway. Home, to a dinner of bacon and mozzarella cheese, followed by tea with a ranting blog. Time for bed, and the first day is done. Done!
See? Easy! *Twitch*