Category Archives: Fitness

A brief tribute to Victoria Wood.

Imagine the following given in a deep Northern accent. 

Victoria Wood

 

So me, Kimberly, Sharon and that cow, Tracey, showed up outside Mrs. Wilson’s house, as arranged, only Tracey showed up late because the bus took so long comin’ from Weight Watchers. She goes in each week and they tell her she’s fat and she goes out again, she says it’s really affective. Sharon felt a bit sick because she’d had a penis colada earlier while we were waiting for the tupperwear lady to show up. Most people hate tupperwear sales night  but this was totally bono fido, totally honest like. But she didn’t show, so we all show up at Mrs Wilson’s house to do the yoga night. You know her house, she’s got the pink guttering that me mam says was a bit open minded but it takes all sorts she says. Me mam not Mrs Wilson, she’s been all tense and upset since she’s had that breast enhancements surgery in Scunthorpe a year ago. The magazines say you have to make the most of what you’ve got but me mam says Mrs Wilson made a mountain out of a molehill, if ya know I mean. Now she finds it so hard to see she can hardly drive.

Anyway we go in, and the heating is on because you’re supposed to be sweating out your chakra, and our Kimberly said out of the corner of her mouth that she could feel the biggest pool of chakra in her neither regions, but then she took the coat off and she said she felt better. Mrs Wilson was there, looking like the Double-D underwire  bra was about to burst in her new Manduka loop back cami, bought to match her capri Amara. She said that she hadn’t slept at all and Tracey started laughing saying ‘Neither would I with me pillows on me face.’ Only Mrs Wilson didn’t think she was funny. Turned out she’d lost her two albino guinea pigs under the settee earlier and couldn’t get them out. The smell of pot purri drafting around the place was more powerful than Bernard Matthew’s breath after a Saturday night.

So, anyways, we get started, all stretched out on her deep shag in the sitting room, and  Mrs Wilson was all, ‘Deep breath girls!’, but you could see she was really really hot, and before we could even get down on the ground and give our sun salutation she got really pale and fainted. Me, Kimberly, Sharon and Tracey manage to get her up the stairs, waving the pot pourri under Mrs Wilson nose as she was going up, and we managed to get her towards the Marks and Spencer cotton sateen duvet cover, until Tracey came up with the idea of loosening the Double D underwire push-up bra. Before our eyes, two albino guinea pigs crept out and made their escape out the windows. Down the pink guttering faster than you could say ‘Yellow Beret’. We had to let ourselves out, and Mrs Wilson never even refunded the fiver.

 

 

The Meaning of Christmas – Deed Twelve

And so we come to the final blog on my 12 Good Deeds…. I hope some of these are helpful to you, and that you enjoy reading them. Here is the final good deed for you all.

Deed Twelve – Give money to a good cause

Yeah, you heard me. Give some money to people who are able to do more with it than you can; This place would be an excellent place to start, for example, but that is just one suggestion. Try to pick some charity that would mean a lot to you, if you can, so that you know you are doing the best you can with your money.  A fiver, a cent, something that will further a cause you believe in.

And that’s it. My deeds are spoken, my hands are empty of anything further to gift to you. All I say, is to give my incantation that your heart be at peace this Christmas, your loved ones joyous, and that you know contentment.

Lots of love.

Claire

This is, of course, exactly what I look like.

Edit; and to recap, here are the 12 Deeds in total;

Deed One – Write A Thank You Note

Deed Two – Buy a Book in a Bookshop

Deed Three – Take a Walk

Deed Four – Give up your Seat

Deed Five – Pick up Litter

Deed Six – Give blood

Deed Seven – Email a TD

Deed Eight – Attend a live event

Deed Nine – Give someone food.

Deed Ten – Give a Tip

Deed Eleven – Play a classical piece. 

Deed Twelve – Give money to a good cause

The Meaning of Christmas – Deed Eleven

There is so little time, don’t you find? So little time to pause, reflect, be thankful. Or even just to take stock, to note the change of the seasons and the movement of the planet through the dark space of winter. So this next one is aimed to give you that five minutes or more to give you that space:

Deed Eleven – Play a piece of classical music or put up a picture that has cultural value.

Note, you decide what has cultural value here. But give yourself that empty space to think. What was the best time of the year? What was the worst? What can you learn from that, about yourself and other people?

Oh so THAT’S why….

Grant yourself the gift of time, if you can.

The Meaning Of Christmas – Deed Ten

I have worked both as a waitress and in retail. There are managers out there throwing their eyes up to Heaven in thanks that I am no longer in those roles, but I think that I learnt a lot while there. I learnt that those jobs are not pleasant; you are on your feet all day, you are dealing with people who don’t care that you are tired, and that you can never be fast enough or remember enough. That’s why this next deed is so personal.

Deed Ten – Give a big tip.

Just something. Anything. A great deal of shops are open very long hours these days, staff there are worked very hard with not a huge amount of money to show for it. Sometimes, the person who works the hardest should get a thank you. So leave a thank you in a way that helps the most. Leave a tip as big as you can afford, or even a tip when you wouldn’t normally.

Every bit helps, folks.

Deed Eleven coming up, get ready!

 

The Meaning of Christmas – Deed Eight

Howdy? How are you all doing, got everything in? All set? Got the box of Taytos and the selection boxes and all of it? Nah, me neither, not even close.

So, Deed Eight is rushing towards us. You all set for that, too? Here it is

Deed Eight; Attend a live event

Now, if you’re like me, you won’t be able to do this at this stage. So, to make sure you get the full experience, I want you take twenty euro out of your wallet and rip it up, go stand in a dark and cramped space (hopefully with the smell of sweat somewhere about you) and listen to this. (I very much wanted to get to see him last year, was very disappointed that we couldn’t).

All set? Right. Onwards, to Deed Nine!

The Meaning of Christmas; Deed Five

Here is deed five, people. These, like the best computer games, are about to get harder as we go towards boss level. So from now on, remember that this is about earning Christmas. Because a rest without work is wasted.

Okay, here is the fifth deed for you; Pick up one single piece of litter. 

That’s it, just one. Of course, ideally you’d do more than one, but I am not blind as to what I can ask of you. Things out there are not just dirty, but dangerously dirty, and the idea of folks happily rummaging around in god knows what isn’t really what this is about.

So if you can, if it is safe, then go and pick up that piece of litter and put it in the bin. You’re going to see a clean space afterwards, made and created by you in your efforts to make Christmas special.

You know you want to…

Five down, seven to go! Stay tuned shoppers!

The Meaning of Christmas – Deed Three

Here is the third good deed for this coming Christmas. Remember, the rule is that you cannot tell anyone your good deeds. Feel free to send on the idea of the Twelve Good Deeds to someone else, but your own good actions have to be kept a secret from them, if you follow.

This third deed is one that is really only for your own benefit, but it is still a good thing to do. It’s free, takes about half an hour, and won’t cost anything. You don’t have to talk to anyone if you don’t want to.

Remember, you can’t tell anyone you’re doing this. Ready?

Deed Three; Take a walk. 

That’s right. Stand up from the computer or the phone, put on the coat, and go take a walk. Don’t worry about where you’re going, just head off in any direction for twenty minutes. Then you turn around and come back home if you so desire. As simple as this is, it is pretty rare for me to do just this; go out there and take a walk. I’m either heading somewhere and rushing, or stuck at my desk. I think we can all change that.

While you’re out on your walk, that is a walk for the sake of a walk, take a look around. If you’re like me you don’t get to just stroll about for the sake of it. Check out the nuanced colour of the sky, the leaves, the world around you. Look at the faces of the people you pass as you walk. What do you see, are they happy? Sad? Preoccupied or at ease? What does your world look like on your walk?

So that is Deed Three; Take a walk.

The Meaning of Christmas – Deed Two.

Here is the second good deed for this coming Christmas. Remember, the rule is that you cannot tell anyone your good deeds. Feel free to send on the idea of the Twelve Good Deeds to someone else, but your own good actions have to be kept a secret from them, if you follow. To business!

Deed Two: Go into a bookshop, and buy a book. 

This does several good things. Firstly, you have to leave the house and interact with the world which, I understand, they have in 3D now.

It won’t recognise Windows.

Secondly, you get to go to a bookshop and have books around you. Books of all sorts, of shapes and sizes, new ones, old ones, smart and stoopid and funny and dumb books. Think of all that knowledge and fun and stuff just waiting there for you, waiting for you to pick up and ingest and enjoy. What is wrong with that picture? Nothing! Books! Look at me, I’m giddy at the idea!

Oh, I bet they have that one I’m looking for…

And the other thing you are doing is supporting a local business, which, seeing as you are going there in person is therefore local, and you are buying a book which will make you not only smarter but also sexier to anyone with sense, and you are giving money to good causes, which are supporting bookshops and supporting your brain, and really if you need explaining on this point I can’t help you, just go to the bookshop and buy a book!

So that is Deed Two. Go to a bookshop and buy a book. Gwan gwan gwan.