Want my autograph?

A plain brick wall is lit by a single light, and a mic stands ready.

Our hero appears, smiling too brightly. She taps the mic.

Hello, is this thing on?

Silence greets her.

Aha ha. Hi all, and thanks for coming out tonight. I’m on my holidays from work, and I thought I would make a special effort to talk to you all this week, seeing as so much time is going by so quickly.  There is no real news to tell you: my little bouy is getting tall and strong, and stole the show at his auntie’s wedding down in Kerry recently. And-

A hand goes up from the audience, and a voice calls out: “It’s spelt ‘boy’?”


“You said bouy? It’s spelt boy?”

I am typing this on my ipad, and it is somewhat difficult to edit. If you could just bare with me-



“Why on your ipad? Don’t you have not one, but two laptops?”

Yes, I do, but the main one is in the kitchen and I can’t use the other one at the moment, so I’m working on my ipad. So I think that I-

“Why can’t you use the other one?”


I have forgotten the password. Can we move on, now?

“Well, that remains to be seen.”

Oh do please shut up. Right, the rest of you, any more clever comments?! Or has the local element of care in the community exhausted it’s troop of helpful advisers?

The audience gives a collective gasp of horror. A disgrunted whispering starts.

I’m sorry! I am, I didn’t mean to be so rude! But I’ve had no sleep, and it’s taken twenty minutes to get this screen working, and he only sleeps for thirty at this hour, so the time is flowing away with each minute I spend trying to get this to work, and I just lose patience! If you could just-

The same hand goes up again. “Can I ask, did you have a nickname as a child?”

I don’t see what that has to do with anything.

“Humour us, please. What was your nickname as a child?”

[Our heroine gives an unclear mumble]

“Sorry, what was that?”

[Nothing else for it. She lifts her head and looks out into the audience.] The Hulk. Okay? My nickname as a small child was the Hulk. On account of my charming personality and excellent impulse control issues.

Grr. Arrggh.

The audience titters. “And how is that working out for you?”

Oh shut up! Thank you ladies and gentlemen, you’ve been a lovely audience!



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